This is an update of sorts. I don't know if anyone particularly cares but seeing as I write quite a lot of blog posts about mental health I though it made sense to write an honest one about when I'm not doing so well. I write a lot of advice and tips posts but that doesn't mean that I have everything under control. I am still learning.

I started off the year doing well, I was stable and had a good combination of meds that were working well for me. Unfortunately in April I was at work one night (I work in a convenience store) and I was behind the counter on my own when two armed men jumped over the counter and robbed the place. Honestly it was fucking petrifying. I took two weeks off work and then went back- my colleagues were all lovely and my boss was great. I was surprised with how quickly I recovered but the truth was I hadn't. I was burying my anxiety and forcing myself to be "brave" as I didn't want to let people down and didn't want the twats that robbed the place to ruin my job which I enjoyed. 

The months after, my anxiety got worse and worse and I was still in denial. I had a couple of suppressed panic attacks at work and the robbery was constantly on my mind. I was petrified it would happen again. The men were arrested and I was told I would need to appear in court. Because of my mental health conditions my Doctor wrote to the court saying I couldn't attend. I spent a week in bed. I realised how bad my anxiety has got when I was at home by myself for a weekend. I couldn't sleep, constantly walking round the house during the night turning lights on and off so it would put of potential burglars. I have hardly left the house and have taken sick leave from work. I am trying really hard to keep it together as I don't want to spiral. I am in a good place, doing well in my studies and I want to keep that up. So I am gradually pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I am going to get some counselling for PTSD and I have been volunteering at a local mental health charity. 

Sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel- negative thinking is all too easy. Thinking of all the positive things in my life has kept me going. A few years ago before my bipolar diagnosis I was almost totally agoraphobic, I have come a long way since then and there is no way I want to start going backwards. 

I suppose the message of this post is that having a mental illness is a constant battle. Even after diagnosis and medication you still have to take every day at a time. You have to fight hard and there will always be bad times but there will be lots of good times too.  

Things that have been helping a lot...
comics and books (escapism ftw)
my family
stress relievers (my post)

(I have added a Kofi button on the sidebar. If you enjoy my posts then you can buy me a cup of coffee if you want. Coffee is my fuel so it's much appreciated!)

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